The Fox Adventure

Last month, Andrew and I were pushing to get everything set to start IVF in a few weeks — signing consent, paying for the coming procedures, gathering the medication, all of the things. We even had to decide what would happen to our embryos if we separated or one of us died. Conversations we never thought we would have. We were anticipating the green light during my baseline labs and transvaginal ultrasound. The last 5+ years led to this moment. The conversation with the nurse went differently than expected.

“Did you see your lab results?”
“Well, yeah, but it was just numbers. I don’t know what they mean.”
“So… they indicate that you are pregnant.”
“No. No. That’s impossible. I’m on my period.”
“Is it just spotting?”
“No. I’m on my heavy day.”

The lab test the nurse referred to was my hCG hormone, sometimes called the pregnancy hormone. It is the hormone produced by the placenta during pregnancy. My hCG was 424 – anything over FIVE indicates pregnancy. So it wasn’t just a little elevated. As the very kind nurse explained, my mind was racing. I was in shock. I couldn’t find my words or figure out what questions to ask. She explained they usually repeat the labs in 48 hours to see if the hCG has doubled, revealing a viable pregnancy. I got my labs drawn on Thursday; it was now Friday morning. Due to the time zone difference, they wouldn’t get my results in time if I waited until Saturday, the full 48 hours. So the nurse told me to get my labs drawn later in the day.

I called Andrew and told him the news. His reaction was similar to mine, disbelief. We were both guarded; we didn’t want our hearts to believe there was a chance. There was no way – there must have been a mistake. I then compartmentalized and focused on ’90s tracksuits, my workout moves, and behavior professional development for my school. You know what I’m talking about if you are a Begich staff member. 🙂

Unfortunately, my results were not processed before the weekend. I spent my Saturday morning speaking to a kind and patient nurse. Could this indicate an early miscarriage? A biochemical pregnancy? Could the lab have mixed up my blood? Yes, to them all. She also explained that in a tiny percentage of pregnancies, the body hasn’t caught up to itself, so it will have one more period even though it’s pregnant.

She then very gently explained the likelihood of starting IVF this cycle was next to nothing. I couldn’t start taking the medication until my hCG level was under five. My numbers wouldn’t go from 424 to less than 5 in 36 hours, even if it wasn’t a viable pregnancy.

Andrew and I spent the weekend preparing our hearts and minds to miss this cycle. It was a tender, gentle, and sweet weekend with Andrew. I felt more connected to him during this weekend of uncertainty. He met my needs, and I met his needs (remember from the last post, they are entirely different). Even though we both believed I wasn’t pregnant, there was this mustard seed size hope that I could be pregnant. We all know what God can do with mustard seed size faith. It was a weekend spent in the tension of trusting God’s timing and my desire and eagerness to become a mother.

On Monday, we found out my results from that Friday indicated my hCG was <0.1, and our timeline for IVF would not be possible this month. It was confirmed that my blood was mixed up in the lab. It felt like a sick and cruel joke. The last five years led us to this moment; the moment of finally moving forward with an IVF cycle. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under us.

xx katie